The Nickel Man Read online

  JOUROUFLE: Oh, Monseigneur Aesop, when we want to, we think just like anyone else; besides which, the matter is so clear that only those who are willfully blind could see otherwise.

  AESOP: Would you now care to see whether, on the quarter of the meridian of the ball swollen toward the poles, whose axis is elongated, you can place 90 times 56 lignes?

  JOURSOUFLE: Unless it’s to lead me astray?

  AESOP: No, my friend, it’s merely to enable you to reveal the truth. Take the ball and try.

  JOUROUFLE, joyfully: Monseigneur, there’s room to spare. In fact, on that quarter of meridian, one could contain not merely 90 times 56 lignes, but nearly 91 times 56 lignes, and if one wanted to conserve the same number of divisions or ninety degrees, it would be necessary to make those degrees larger in proportion as one approached the axis, or the pole.

  AESOP: You’re reasoning very well here, Monsieur Jouroufle; and it’s evident that the more the degrees are magnified toward the pole, the more elongated that axis will be.

  JOUROUFLE: I think so too.

  AESOP: In consequence, the Earth must be slightly elongated toward the north, since its degrees have been found to be more extensive in proportion as one approaches the latter region.

  JOUROUFLE: Will you permit me to ask Monsieur de Pemberton or Monsieur de Sgravesande? For you’ve made me jabber like a parrot, and it wouldn’t me astonished if, after so many questions, my head were confused.

  AESOP: Speak for yourself without consulting anyone. Don’t you have enough intelligence for that? You’ve just made a demonstration of it.

  JOUROUFLE: You definitely believe that?

  AESOP: Yes.

  JOUROUFLE: And that I also sometimes have intelligence?

  AESOP: Who can doubt it?

  JOUROUFLE: Well, what do you want me to say?

  AESOP: The truth.

  JOUROUFLE: And in accordance with my conscience?

  AESOP: Certainly.

  JOUROUFLE: I’m afraid of compromising myself.

  AESOP: What risk can you be running in telling the truth?

  JOUROUFLE: What about?

  AESOP: You’ve just seen that when the degrees of the meridian diminish in going toward the ole, the latter must be slightly flattened, and in consequence the axis shorter; and that, on the contrary, the axis must be elongated when the same degrees are of greater amplitude as one advances toward the same region.

  JOUROUFLE: Yes, I realize that.

  AESOP: So, the Earth, which has the degrees of its meridian more extensive toward the north than toward the equator, must also have an axis longer than the diameter of its equator?

  JOUROUFLE: Incontestably.

  SGRAVESANDE: What are you saying, rogue? Ah! You think differently than Newton? Well, I shall write to your academy and you’ll no longer be the porter there.

  JOUROUFLE: Not so fast, Monsieur Sgravesande. Since my discourse doesn’t please you, why didn’t you cut me off?

  SGRAVESANDE: I wanted to know the interior of your soul, and see whether you would be faithful to us.

  JOUROUFLE: Oh, faithful, as much as you please—but what can one do when the truth urges us to speak?

  SGRAVESANDE: It isn’t necessary to listen.

  JOUROUFLE: It’s sometimes so lucid and clear that one would be ashamed not to be its interpreter.

  SGRAVESANDE: It’s necessary not to reason so much with it. One says to it dryly: Do you think like Newton? Remain. Differently? Decamp.

  JOUROUFLE: Where do you want it to pitch its tent?

  SGRAVESANDE: At the antipodes.

  JOUROUFLE: If it’s obstinate in remaining, what can one do?

  SGRAVESANDE: Chase it away with a pitchfork.

  JOUROUFLE: Would you treat it like that if it came to your house?

  SGRAVESANDE: It doesn’t know where I live.

  JOUROUFLE: But what if it found out?

  SGRAVESANDE: Oh, it wouldn’t dream of coming if it didn’t arrive with Newton.

  AESOP: Sgravesande, will you soon put an end to this debate?

  SGRAVESANDE: Yes, if you judge that all the experiments you’ve just made are false.

  AESOP: That isn’t possible, and in accordance with them I can’t avoid declaring that On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences is not guilty for having sustained that the Earth is not flattened at the poles, and that our diaphanous and convex atmosphere really augments in our eyes the apparent size of sidereal bodies, especially when close to the horizon.

  SGRAVESANDE: President, is that judgment irrevocable?

  AESOP: Yes.

  SGRAVESANDE: Well, irrevocable or not, we shall persist in our opinion—which is to say, in believing that our atmosphere has no influence on the apparent volume of heavenly bodies, and that the Earth is not elongated but flattened at the poles, and we shall employ once again the tactics that were so successful about sixty years ago, when Bernardin de Saint-Pierre, here present, tried to demonstrate that the poles are not flattened. We let him say it, and our silence was so marvelous that it made our admirers think that Bernardin was wrong and that we were right.

  AESOP: What! Bernardin de Saint-Pierre sustained the same thesis against you?

  SGRAVESANDE: Yes, and to convince us, he employed calculations, reasoning and diagrams—and the wind carried it all away.

  AESOP: You were incapable of understanding his demonstrations, then?

  SGRAVESANDE: Capable or not, we didn’t want to hear them.

  AESOP: That’s not praiseworthy.

  MAUPERTUIS: President, I don’t believe I have anything further to do here. Permit me to retire, in order that I can meditate in solitude on the false glamour of the human science.

  AESOP: Illustrious Maupertuis, do as you please. Geniuses, here comes the Concierge of Urania’s palace. He’s doubtless bringing us some message.

  Scene Ten

  Aesop, the Concierge, Pemberton, Heromondas, Sgravesande, Jouroufle, Voltaire, Pope, Pluche,

  Bernardin de Saint-Pierre,

  the troop of astronomer-geometers and physicists

  CONCIERGE: President, Urania would like to speak to you for a moment; let the Geniuses present remain here.

  AESOP: I am at her orders.

  (He goes out with the Concierge.)

  BERNARDIN DE SAINT-PIERRE, to Pluche : Let’s go too, and find what we need to demonstrate the goodness of our cause, for they’ll doubtless want to attack On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences on several other grounds; and if they desist in the attack we’ll be able to have the pretended void, universal attraction and a hundred other hypotheses declared false, if we have the time.

  PLUCHE: Yes, let’s go.

  Scene Eleven

  Pemberton, Heromondas, Sgravesande, Jouroufle,

  Voltaire, Pope, retinue of astronomers, etc.

  SGRAVESANDE, to Monsieur Jouroufle: Do you see, Monsieur Jouroufle, do you see? Urania has summoned our President. Doubtless she’s going to reprimand him severely for having absolved On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences on two counts. And you, who ought to be defending the incomparable Newton, have turned your coat. What will become of you if Urania expels you from her sight and hr place? For you’ll be pitilessly cast out—yes, you will be, you can expect that. It’s the punishment your felony warrants.

  JOUROUFLE, aside: O wretched day! What a frightful abyss is opening beneath your feet, unfortunate Jouroufle! Oh, why didn’t you turn away from that fatal scientific truth when it came to whisper in your ear? But what an accursed country the empire of the sciences is! One is always in mortal dread there, and one can’t think for oneself; it’s necessary, whether one likes it or not, to go along with the false opinions of others. The candelabras of science proclaim, night and day, that it’s necessary to doubt before believing, but when one wants to use that doubt against them, they cry anathema. The false systems, false hypotheses, and false results they’ve adopted on the faith of another are sacred things for them, and one can’t touch them. That
’s how error puts down profound roots that all the strength of a Hercules wouldn’t be capable of tearing up. Instead of extirpating it, that error, it’s necessary to admire it, to praise it; otherwise, adieu employment, pension, praise, adulation; but laud it to the skies, and everything is lavished on you, nothing is refused. Well, that will teach me. Let the beautiful scientific truth come now; even if it’s as brilliant as the sun, no thanks!

  Monsieur de Sgravesande, isn’t there any means of arranging some repatriation with you?

  SGRAVESANDE: No.

  JOUROUFLE: Come on, let’s make peace! I implore you by the supreme infallibility of Monseigneur Newton.

  SGRAVESANDE: So you now believe Newton to be infallible?

  JOUROUFLE: Yes, the only infallible! Look, Monsieur de Sgravesande, if Newton were to claim that London goes to bed every evening in the Channel, or even that stones rain down on us from the moon, as some of your colleagues seriously affirm, I’d support it tenaciously against anyone, even though I know full well that they’re absurd contentions, pure nonsense.

  SGRAVESANDE: So, for you, Newton will always be right, and that book, On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences, always wrong?

  JOUROUFLE: Oh, as much as you like.

  SGRAVESANDE: Be careful, then. If the truth… do you hear me?

  JOUROUFLE: Let it come! I’ll say to it: Get away, quickly! I won’t listen to you any more, unless you arrive with a certificate signed by Monsieur Newton or Monsieur de Sgravesande.

  (Aside) Which I shall doubtless never see.

  SGRAVESANDE: On those conditions, I’ll grant you mercy. But remember to hold firm.

  JOUROUFLE: Oh, as firm as a rock. I’m now intrepid.

  SGRAVESANDE: That’s sufficient. Move away slightly. Here comes Newton, who doubtless has some secret to tell us.

  Scene Twelve

  The preceding, plus Newton

  NEWTON: From a distance, I saw Maupertuis leave, and I’ve found out that Urania has summoned the man her Concierge appointed as our president. I hastened to come back in order to learn what happened during my absence. What did they want of Maupertuis?

  PEMBERTON: They wanted to know if you were ever mistaken.

  NEWTON: What did he reply?

  PEMBERTON: That you had made several errors.

  NEWTON: Certainly. No man, reduced to his own strength, is infallible. Is that all?

  PEMBERTON: No, the opinions emitted by On the Search for the Truth in the Sciences that the terrestrial atmosphere augments the apparent diameter of the heavenly bodies beyond it, and that the Earth is not flattened toward the north pole, have been judged true.

  NEWTON: Didn’t you protest?

  PEMBERTON: Yes, we did, but the convex diaphanous substances that all magnify objects see through them and the measurements of the degrees of the terrestrial meridian gave evidence against you.

  NEWTON: That ruins all my calculations of the masses of the planets, and the fortune that had looked upon me favorably thus far will now cause me to experience its rigors. Oh, how I fear for my hypothesis of universal gravitation! Will it be possible for me to see the condemnation with dry eyes?

  SGRAVESANDE: Incomparable Newton, the sadness into which I see your soul plunged breaks my heart, and suggests a useful advice to me. Why persist in demanding justice from that dull-witted Phrygian, who understands neither algebra not geometry, and who only has his share of common sense? Let us decline his jurisdiction and place the affair before Urania—and if we look out for the moment when she is inspired by your divine genius, I promise you a complete success.”

  NEWTON: My dear friend, if only you’re right!

  HEROMONDAS: I perceive another glimmer of hope, provided that the foremost restorers of modern astronomy support us. In fact, shouldn’t Copernicus, Galileo and Kepler be here to defend our cause, which is theirs? Their testimony would carry great weight, and demonstrate that we have almost always repeated and copied what others have done before us.

  NEWTON: I agree with you. Pemberton, go ask the three astronomers on my behalf to come and testify in my favor. For what motive could they have for being obstinate in refusing me their suffrage?

  PEMBERTON: Your orders will be carried out punctually.

  (He leaves.)

  NEWTON: Adieu, my friends. If the astronomers refuse the favor for which I’ve asked them, I’ll let you know my final will, but be assured that you won’t see me here so long as I know that Copernicus, at least, is here in person. Adieu—stand firm.

  Scene Thirteen

  Heromondas, Sgravesande, Jouroufle, Voltaire, Pope,

  Retinue of astronomers, etc

  JOUROUFLE approaching Heromondas: Monsieur Heromondas, I’m shivering with fear.

  HEROMONDAS: What are you afraid of?

  JOUROUFLE: Can’t you see that our general is abandoning the battlefield in the heat of the action?

  HEROMONDAS: It’s to make provision for the defense of his theories. Don’t worry.

  JOUROUFLE: Ah! Didn’t Pompey quit his army, in order to make provision, as he saw it, for the defense of his camp? And yet, instead of giving orders, he ran to lurk in his tent, in order to decamp promptly at the approach of the victor, without giving any concern to his poor soldiers, whom he surrendered to Caesar’s sword.

  HEROMONDAS: Be brave.

  JOUROUFLE: Hush! Can’t you hear a voice in the distance shouting: Every man for himself?

  HEROMONDAS: No.

  JOUROUFLE: In which direction should one flee?

  HEROMONDAS: In any direction—but it’s necessary to hold firm; our honor is at stake in defending Newton.

  JOUROUFLE: I can’t. Don’t you see that our party is the weaker?

  HEROMONDAS: You can’t count, Monsieur Jouroufle. Haven’t you noticed that we’re four against two?

  JOUROUFLE: I could see that, but the adverse party has a third champion with them who’s a hundred times stronger than us.

  HEROMONDAS: What champion?

  JOUROUFLE: Reason.

  HEROMONDAS: I can’t see him. You obviously have better eyesight than me.

  JOUROUFLE: If you could see his firm and assured stance! Oh, I tremble in my every limb when I think that we have to fight such an adversary.

  HEROMONDAS: Calm down, and remember that it’s in great danger that the strong soul is entirely deployed. Then again, don’t you see that crowd of physicists and astronomers who are forming the assembly, and who are all partisans of Newton? Besides which, if you think Newton is Pompey, you must be the great Cato.

  JOUROUFLE: I’d like to be.

  HEROMONDAS: Try.

  JOUROUFLE: What will you give me?

  HEROMONDAS: Whatever you wish?

  JOUROUFLE: What, though?

  HEROMONDAS: A position as secretary in an Academy?

  JOUROUFLE: French? English? Italian?

  HEROMONDAS: Your choice.

  JOUROUFLE: I’d certainly like that position, but I can’t accept it; I write too dryly.

  HEROMONDAS: Would you like to be appointed chief geometer in Urania’s court?

  JOUROUFLE: With that I’d be content, for I could extol a scientific error to my heart’s content in twenty pages of analytical calculations that no one could read and everyone would admire.

  SGRAVESANDE: You won’t have any more panic attacks, then?

  JOUROUFLE: Oh, now I have courage. Look, Monsieur de Sgravesande, even if you or anyone else ordered me to abandon my post, I wouldn’t obey; I’d resist, tenaciously, like Cato in Utica.

  SGRAVESANDE: You’d do well. Here’s Pemberton; perhaps he’ll want to talk to us in private; move away slightly.

  Scene Fourteen

  Pemberton and the preceding

  PEMBERTON: I couldn’t find Copernicus. As for Kepler and Galileo, they don’t want to appear before the Phrygian, who, they say, has too much common sense.

  HEROMONDAS: That ruins our plans.

  PEMBERTON: So Newton asks you to quit the hearing and only c
ome back if Copernicus, on whom he’s founding his hopes, is present at the debate. As for the assembly, they can stay, and will serve to inform our dictator of ulterior results. Let’s leave; it’s better to be condemned by default.

  Scene Fifteen

  Heromondas, Jouroufle, the Retinue of Physicists, etc.

  JOUROUFLE, to Heromondas: Where are you going so swiftly?